I have a new iPhone. Hopefully this one will behave a little better. Been for beers with Southside tonight. It was what I fancied. Thought I might pop to the blue post for jazz.. But got side tracked en route. I will miss Londons fabulous ability to divert my attention to new and unexpected options. Looking forward to Notwich next weekend. Really enjoyed having a place to myself the last few days. I can hardly imagine how amazing it will be to have
my own space 24/7. It really is a huge plus point of the move. The down side is that i will miss my London friends. I think it wil be easy enough to stay in touch with the people I've known for ages, but those I've met in the last 2 years... I hope there's enough ground work in place to maintain a connection.

Possibly meeting g for beers tomorrow. Must keep half a sensible head on as have to be at work tuesday. ... Not holding out much hope...


-- From the iPhone of Technominx

You know when I've been on a bit of a downer when I don't blog. It's not been a bad one, but it has been there. Don't know if this one was caused or was compounded by allergy thing that kept me off work...actually I do. Not convinced the illness would have kept me out of action quite so long if I was OK in my head. I think I have to accept that I dance with depression. I'm by no means the only member of my family that suffers with this crap, I am pretty much the only one that keeps herself off meds. I don't know if that makes me bright or just pig headed.

Spoke to my mum about it yesterday finally. It was comforting and scary in equal measure when I described my head that she competely knew where I was coming from. I wish that I wasn't bright enough to know that the reason I have managed to deal with myself in the past without meds is my ex wife. She knew how to bring back the balance and stop the spirals without ever talking about what the hell was going on. Trying to find a replacement that doesn't come in tablet form is a work in progress. I am getting there.

I find myself editing quite a lot of what I want to write becaouse I don't understand it. For example, a younger guy that I'm pretty sure would like to spend some time with me swings from hot to cold in seconds. I know that's about him and not me, but it makes me doubt my ability to read people. Take away that strength and you second guess every social interraction that comes your way. In other words you regress to being 17 and you doubt everything you read in others.

This obviously doesn't happen when I'm on a happy, it just happens when I'm on a ?

Whatever.

Anyway I have been off work sick again. I am worried about what this will do for my professional reputation, but it's too late to correct that now. I managed to drag my ass to the cinema a bit over the weekend. It was physically too painful to lie in bed, but also too painful to do anything as active as walk around (joints wer all swollen and stiff). So I've caught up on a lot of the movies I wanted to see. Up was very good - very adult for a kids movie and Dorian Grey was beautifully made. Cirque du Freak was not cast the way i would have and New Moon was only worth watching if you're a fan of the books. Because of my 'open' frame of mind they all had something to say to me (except Cirque). Maybe seeing movies when you're sick and off kilter is a way of getting a bit of added value?

I am looking forward immensely to seeing Nicky tomorrow. A proper girls dinner out is exactly what I need and hopefully will help cancel out some of the grrr factor I'm feeling towards other friends and family. Not in the mood to doscuss the specifics of the grrr factor right now though.

Because of the whole allergy / head space thing I missed GBSex this weekend. I was supposed to be dancing in Manchester from Friday to Monday. Such a waste of money, but I was in no state to Salsa. I missed F horribly and didn't like leaving her in the lurch at all. But there was no other option. Maybe I'll be able to claim back the ticket on my insurance?

The piece of art I've been waiting for for almost 2 years is finally in the country being framed. Ironic that I ordered it right after the seperation and it's going to arrive about the time the divorce is final. I think I am going to love the piece forever with all that emotional significance bound up in it.

Ok need to get ready for work tomorrow - or altrnatively drik the rest of this beer and watch an old episode of True Blood. The escapism is a small slice of bliss - like a chocolate brownie for the soul.

Blessed Be.

Well that's how it feels. I suddenly realised how little time there is left for all the usual gift getting and started to hyperventillate when I realised that with the unexpected tax bill I'll be managing on £20 a week BEFORE festive expenses. This is not good. I've messaged my closest friends and family of the same age to see if we can make a Yule pact to see each other and enjoy the season that way rather than exchange gifts. I hope they don't think I'm stingy - I also hope they don't agree and then buy something anyway. It's funny because that is exactly what I would have done when I didn't have to worry about money. Now it just feels like the most humiliating thing anyone could ever do to you. I really don't normally mind the lack of disposable income. In fact, in many ways, I like my life so much better these days. Money really isn't terribly important to me. In general I'd rather read a good series of books than go on holiday, it's just at times like Christmas it gets horribly hard.

Anyway, my practical streak is very much in place and I have finally sucumbed and put my collectable Barbie dolls on Ebay. All my DVD's and a good number of my books are on Amazon and I'm seriously going through  my jewellery working out what is saleable. The tax man needs his pennies by the end of January and I will not disappoint him! I have drawn the line at parting with one of my laptops...for the moment. We'll see how much the dolls and other stuff raise before I scrape the bottom of that particular barrell. I do love my technology.

I'm off to Norwich this evening. It's going to be a slightly different type of weekend than the one I had planned. My cousin has double booked himself this weekend so won't be taking me out to see the band on Saturday night. I am going to have to go alone. It will be the first time I've socialised with his friends (I still feel strange calling them my friends) without him there. I'm guessing I'll find out if they actually ARE my friends or if I feel like a spare part.... I guess I'll know by Sunday. Eek!

Right better go as am at work and have just been given a task...

Well the fun of last weeks break in routine is most definately over and I'm back to the somewhat dreary 9-5. I feel a bit odd. There is the usual 'coming down' that i always go through after show week, but there is also a sort of frenzied frustration with the way I can't really start organising the move yet. Yet on the other hand the bits I could sort, should I be so inclined, such as updating my CV, selling DVD's and other unwanted items on Amazon to raise funds and clear clutter somehow aren't being done. Instead I am retreating into a little bubble consisting of books, downloaded TV shows and porn. Oh and junk food. I suppose after a busy period I just want to chill and not think about too much...except part of me is sort of bored. I need things to plan and look forward to. So with that in mind I have sorted another trip to Norwich and a girls dinner out and an evening with NG over the next 2 weeks. Of course I have the GBSex II trip to Manchester this month as well. The funny thing is people seem to think that I have a very active social life and am always out. I feel like a couch potato! Well a bed potato..I don't actually have a couch.

Ooh! That brings me ontp my other favourite mental distraction...Bedsit decoration in Norwich. Unless the place is furnished I have decided not to have a sofa....Instead I plan to offer guests bean bags and cushions. Yes I am about 12. Actually it depends on where my TV / computer go...Oh the delicious choices that run thorugh my head! You can see that the degree to which I am enjoying the mental decorating is in direct reverse proprtion to the amount of work I am ACTUALLY doing to achieve the move. Hmph.

On my next Norwich trip I'm going to try and get some meetings sorted with recruitment agencies. Get my (by then) updated CV to them and let them have a chat with me. At least I'll be doing something more practical than wool gathering.

I'm reading the Twilight series of books again at the moment. I wanted to re-read the Sookie novels from the beginning as I think I've probably missed a lot of detail in reading them so fast, but I've already lent the first 4 books to a friend so I can't. Anyway, someone sent me a 'Star Wars Episode II in 5 seconds' You Tube clip....after watching it i saw several others in a similar vein...including Twilight in 5 secs, which i watched and it was funny - but I didn't remember the clips from the movie at all so I decided to rewatch it....and then the movie didn't have all the lot elements i recalled - so I started re-reading the books to see if I was misremembering the nuances...I wasn't....and am once again embarrisingly engrossssed by books I know to be essentially written for 14 year old girls. *sigh* I guess there's a 14 year old girl still lurking inside most women and i'm no exception....except after all the junk food last week and this I kind of look a bit like I ate mine!

I have just read the above lines giving my justification for re-reading Twilight. I think I might be trying to hard to convince myself that there is a rational adult reason for picking them up again. Epic FAIL on that.

Right better get some work done. I am being a bit useless and woolley today. Ho hum. The sun is out and I am cheerful and not at all in the mood for computers....

How life gets away from you sometimes. I write a big ole update the other night after dress rehearsal and managed to delete it by accident before posting. Perhaps I should learn from past experience and not post after a cheeky beer or two. Well the show goes pretty well but the after hours too-ings and fro-ings are far more interesting to watch unfold. For once, however they don't involve me. I am torn between feeling superior and old. Ho hum. Well not that old....

Actually it's kind of nice to see people feeling their way through new beginnings. Even if it does take some of the groups eye candy off the market!

Tonight I find myself finally crashing at four something in the morning in someone elses bed. I dread to think of the state I will be in tomorrow. Beer wine and gin are sure to make for a bad morning. The bed is uber comfy though so I'm not worrying about the morning right now.

Anyhoo better attempt at least a little sleep.

Blessed be

X


-- From the iPhone of Technominx