I’ve been journaling on paper recently. Mainly because I really didn’t want things in the public domain in case they hurt C. But my journal is at home in Norwich and I absolutely have to write or I’ll explode. Hardly anyone read this thing anyway so I think I’m pretty safe!

I am really struggling. I keep going over and over the break-up in my head – and out loud to those I can talk to. How the extended sleep deprivation, odd living hours at the pub, the lack of privacy and C’s own inability to lean on me the way I could see she needed to lean on someone, just whittled the good bits of us away. I was so terrified of being left again, I got more and more jealous of everything in her life, more and more panicked, and although I knew most of it was irrational, the physical state I was in just meant I couldn’t let anything go. Every little thing had a million hidden meanings. So much paranoia!

Basically the toxicity of the circumstances made me ill and my being ill just wore C out and eventually made her unwilling to trust in us.

I know nothing in those circumstances has changed – all the problem and barriers are still there. C is totally exhausted and just hasn’t got it in her to risk trying again. I can see her point, her position, and I can see the validity of my own fears about returning in any way to that toxic environment, to having to deal with her very non-standard bond with E, the lack of sleep. All circumstances were and are against us. We tried and tried and flogged the dead horse desperately trying to get it to run again...knowing that underneath the cruddy scum of the hand we had been dealt was something so rare and beautiful, a real connection that we’d hardly had any time to explore before the hugeness of her life overwhelmed me.

It’s hard. Knowing that under everything are two people that genuinely love each other, that could care and support one another... but somehow it’s just not enough.  I would do absolutely anything to take her in my arms, kiss her until I hear her breath catch and tell her how much I love her, how necessary her soul is to mine. That she really is what I want, that I find her beyond beautiful. That her kindness and generosity of spirit makes her the most precious thing I have ever had enter my life. That she taught me what love feels like. But in reality, she knows these things and it doesn’t make a difference.  There is nothing we can change of our circumstances, and repeating the same behaviour, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity right? No matter how much love it is borne out of. I am profoundly sad. Every part of me aches for her, but I just have to wait and hope in time it goes away.

As things were spiralling downhill – several months ago now – a friend said to me that there were two men in her life before her husband that she could have married, that she could see a lifelong partnership with – but that circumstances just weren’t right. I remember really believing that that was just wrong. That you can find ways to change circumstances to move and shift the world to accommodate what you really want. If I’m honest there were a couple of times looking back when we could have done that, but I dug my heels in – certain it was unfair to completely uproot her life and move her from her home – that I would and MUST adjust. Except I just couldn’t. I need time alone – I didn’t realise how badly – and a flat above a pub, even though its supposed to be a separate entity to the pub, in reality isn’t. People shout up the stairs – the home office is an extension of the downstairs office. There is never a sense of having private time. You can’t run to the loo in the nude, you have to chuck a T shirt and jeans on in case someone shouts up from the bottom of the stairs and gets a look at your birthday suit. You get the idea?

Every one of the challenges of the life and the space is manageable on it’s own. Together, for me at least, they were just a jumble of the stuff of personal nightmares and demons, and in the end proved insurmountable.

So for now I’m a bit lost. I miss sharing her world and her life. She is constantly in my thoughts, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to change things, to go back, to miraculously make it right. Instead I’ll  smoke a cigarette, and sit in a park or on the kerb and wait for time to pass and the hole to get smaller.

Please don’t let it take too long.

Arrrrggggghhhh!!

And again AAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!! Christ it’s busy here today.  I was off sick yesterday after waking up all achy and queasy with my glands up on my face…and it’s meant that I’m a bit behind with everything….Actually I’m not there’s just so damn much of it to do.  Lots of running around and being in 3 places at once.

Had a brilliant weekend… C  had Friday off in order for us to entertain SJ – but as she cancelled we went to gig at The Arts Centre which was excellent.  King Pleasure and The Biscuit Boys are well worth a visit believe me!

Saturday night was dinner and drinks for John and Pipsters birthdays. I really enjoyed myself. Possibly because C was also out to play. Big happy smiley face from me.

Spent much of Sunday being lazy – quick trip to the shops – ate some dinner – had a cuddle – all lovely Sunday stuff. Popped down to see the Karaoke….

The Monday happened and I felt like pants. I ended up sleeping for most of the day, popping pills every time I woke up. By some miracle my glands went down and haven’t come back up again. I’m still achy but no more sickness. Hurrah!

I have my contract and all the paperwork to fill in for my new job. I called my own doctors for a copy of my immunisation records – which I will need for my health check. I have CRB forms to fill in, professional indemnity docs…it’s going to take a while to ;lough through. I think that might well be tonights job.

I do have my first couple of weeks schedule for the new job. I’ll be shadowing my first week – lots of healthcare type appointments. Then on week two I am going on a phlebotomy course. Chucked right in at the deep end. After that I have to book in 4 sessions with the trainer for her / him to come and watch me run clinics so they can finally pass me.  *gulp* get the scariest stuff out of the way first I guess.

I have reams and reams of healthcare stuff to read. I want to at least be familiar with most of it before I start. The sooner I learn, the sooner I will be truly useful to the practice.

It really is a huge and scary change, but I think I could do this well.

I certainly hope I can, and it will be nice to give something back.

Blessed Be

Minx

I have just had a phone call. It was a most unexpected phone call, and it might well completely change the direction of my professional life. I'm a bit stunned. I'm not going to go into details just yet as I don't want to jinx it, but wow if it happens!! Just wow!!

Exciting and scary stuff.

Yay!

..Well, not entirely sure I REALLY want to 'Let it snow'...I'm a bit torn to be honest. The kid in me wants the snow to stay so I can play in it. The grown up has to go to work on cold unreliable buses and risk breaking her neck on the slippery metal staircase every morning. I wish there were a way to let the kid have her way and still have money to live! 

We were thin on the ground at rehearsal last night. No tenor section at all. Very nervous about the weekends sing out. I have been asked to introduce one of the 'acts' and say a few works as a new member of the group... Obviously this is my idea of hell. My issues with public speaking have reached new heights of terror recently and I'm already feeling sick at the thought of it. no idea what to say, no time to prepare....crap I can feel the panic starting as i type. Not good. Plus I have left my rescue remedy at home. I hate this!

My ongoing cold finally kept me at home a couple of days this week. I felt much better after 2 days in the warm...a lot more bored but healthier. However the cough has come back again since returning to work. I think it's all the walking around outside between offices in the cold and the wet and the snow. My chest feels like it's burbling constantly - like there's water in it when I breathe and I don;t have my normal lung capacity, i can only take shallow breaths. It'ss making singing impossibly hard to be honest. My range is a good 6 notes smaller than normal. very annoying.

Tonight The Quireboys come to The Brickmakers. I'm looking forward to seeing them. But first I am seeing my cousin for dinner. It'll be good to catch up properly. I am really missing having my friends around me. I get quite hungry for company....and I mean in small groups or one to one, everything I do I am surrounded by loads of people I just sometimes find myself craving something more intimate. Friendly intimate, not couple intimate. It's hard to explain. 

Anyway I need to buy ingredients for Enchiladas. I am thinking some warming mexican munchies will be a good barrier to the crappy, cold weather.

I have to go, I just can't concentrate on this now as I have things to achieve in my lunch break...like shopping so I'd better get on with it.